»14th November 2018

10 Things You Won't Believe You Hate About MTG:Arena

-or, a less 2018-friendly clickbait title-

Things That Have Been Fucking Me Insane About Magic the Gathering: Arena

Stupid introductory paragraph no one reads because there's a list below. Filler text so that the drop-cap doesn't hang below the first paragraph and look weird. Maybe I should get rid of drop caps? [absolutely not--non-existant editor] If this paragraph isn't here, then the drop cap is too close to the start of the list and it looks weird. Just pretend I said something funny and interesting, okay?

Don't know what Magic: the Gathering is?

[insert patronising explanation]

1. Dimir Decks

Why does everyone play them? Why are they so dull? Why are they so cheap? Why are they so identical? Why are they all so slow at picking cards when surveiling?

I know. A lot of those questions answer each other.

2. The Matchmaking

Why do I have to go on a nine-game winning streak and then a nine-game losing streak?

3. Slow Control Players

If you're going to play control, fine, I get it, I enjoy playing control too. Please, though. LEARN YOUR FUCKING DECK. I mean, come on, it's 2018.

4. Mulligans

Why do you never give me a mulligan to 6 that actually has more than 1 land in it? And no, this isn't 'you just don't get probability', the game doesn't just give you cards, it fixes your opening hands in *some* way.

5. The Matchmaking

Hang on, haven't we already had-

It sucks that after a few wins a deck only seems to get paired against the same couple of deck archetypes. See point 1.

Won a couple of games? I hope you enjoy the mirror match.

6. Wildcards

It sucks that the same mythic wildcard that gets you some junk 'good in limited' piece of crap also gets you a Teferi. My point is, junk pieces of crap shouldn't be a waste of a mythic wildcard. You know, it is 2018 after all.

Doesn't this help to break up the text? No? Maybe I should just put another picture instead.

7. No Chat

I sometimes want to tell an opponent why I've lost or somehow interact with them beyond the five tepid emotes the game gives you. Or, you know, sometimes I just want to chat. Look guys, it's like, 2018, alright?

Look, I get it, people are fucking idiots and will just complain at each other, but-

8. I Can Has Removal

Play a threat. Murder. Play a threat. Lightning Strike. Play a threat. Shock. Play a threat. Vraska's Contempt. Play some durdly shit. Lava Coil. Look the other way. Murder. Tap a land. Lightning strike. Click. Murder. Murder. Murder. Murder. Murder. Murder. Murder. Murder.

9. The 'I'm Losing, So I'm Going To Wait Out All My Time Extensions' Tantrum.

Why did I decide to capitalise headings that way?

Again, with the lack of interaction. The literal only way to interact with people, beyond subtly trolling them with emotes ('Good game!' after your fourth turn without drawing a third land) is by venting your frustration at the game by holding priority on some event (usually immediately before you win the game) and just sitting there eating up all the time extensions that have been earned earlier in the game. I hope you enjoy waiting for four minutes before you can win that control vs control match-up!

I'll admit it, I've done this myself on a few occasions. Everyone just hates control, okay?

10. No Free Best-of-3 Game Mode

I mean seriously, what the fuck? It's 2018! I'd actually like to learn how to sideboard without having to give up my daily booster pack.

(Secret bonus number that comes after ten!)

11. No Stats

It's 2018 and I have to maintain an Excel spreadsheet to track my wins and losses. Whats. The. Fucks.

Oh look, I'm back on the 'fucking me insane' thing. How 2006. It's still 2018, right?

Extar, over, out.


Yes, it's 2018. Look how many times I point it out. I know what year it is. It's 2018.