»21st July 2010

End of Term

And it came to pass that my employment at Cawley Lane came to an end. And there was much rejoicing and much sadness.

I'm going to keep things simple (and boring) and make another blog update cobbled together from my musings in my extremely bloated 'work experience diary'.

The work experience diary started off just as that. Writing down things I did in the first few weeks at the school when a lot of things were very new. Since then, it ballooned into a vast (175,000 words), almost entirely boring account of every single, bloody day at the school. Needless to say, it had become quite the millstone around my neck by the end of term, but I had to gather the strength and resolve to see it through to the end. Um, yeah.

This year, it was decided by the Year 6 children that the professional wrestler I most closely resemble is Drew McIntyre. Last year it was Shawn Michaels and I think they're a lot closer to the money this year, despite the fact I'm not 6'5", 250lbs or Scottish. Every week I'd be informed on my walk through the playground what my alter ego was up to in the WWE. You'd be surprised how slow moving it is, basically for the last two months I was at the school I was told how I'd been stripped of the Intercontinental Title and fired from the WWE. It's not like I'm bitter or anything.

There were three end-of-year/staff leaving events which I attended. The first was in the school hall on the Thursday of the penultimate week.

Early assembly was so that tables could be set out for the staff leaving do. I was at a loose end after home time and proceeded to become nervous once ██ ██████ came in and mentioned about trying to write a speech, 'What, I have a make a... SPEECH!?' ███ ███████████ said I didn't have to but I still went on an addrenaline twitching session.

Party kicked off about four, we were shepherded out of the staffroom into the hall for drinks... fruit squash.

I looked at the impressively huge spread that had been put on, I remarked to several people that I thought it was just going to be something low-key, 'like a bit of quiche in the staff room or something.' I became more nervous.

██ █ kicked proceedings off, I was called up first. ██ █ summed up my one year spent at the school, I stood around looking proud/nervous, exchanged a firm handshake then was invited to say a few words... SHIIIIT. 'I'd just like to thank everyone for all the opportunities this year. I've really enjoyed my time here it's been great. So... thanks.' Yeah, smooth as shit ¬_¬. Made a swift exit back to my seat, could have been much worse.

I'd uh, like to thank, um...

After my abortion of an acceptance speech for Best Newcomer, two more teachers got the same treatment. Finally, the head nursery nurse who'd been teaching for twenty five years and had actually taught some of the current nursery nurses when they were in nursery got the Lifetime Achievement award.

Food ensued after this. There was initial hesitancy on ████ ███████'s part to be 'the first one to the buffet.' For fear of comments from ██ █. I admired all the signatures and nice comments on my card. Cold pizza, quiche, tuna/ham salad sandwiches, tomato&brie sandwiches.

I bumped into the teacher of the Year Four class I volunteered in whilst at college, my first confused steps into 'education'. 'Well we had to pick an activity to do on Wednesday afternoons, and I thought it sounded funny.'

Talked to ██ ██████ who initially couldn't remember my name but said that he recognised the face, managed not to sound completely gay saying he must have inspired me in some way to teach. He was a lot more quietly spoken than I remembered.

Went for seconds, made awkward small talk. █████ ██████████ appeared. Cake: strawberry/cream sponge, weird strawberry/mango cheesecake. Commented to ███ ██████████ that I don't like chocolate cake. 'It's just too much. I mean either 'chocolate' or 'cake', but both? Does that make sense?' 'Well, not to me.' whilst cutting a slice of chocolate cake.

[...]

Later on, as people filtered out presumably, ████ ██████, ███████████ and ████ sat down to talk. They got onto talking about pets. ████ ███████████ told me how she'd been looking at dog name websites, 'it's quite sad, really.' ██ ██████ came to sit down, amusing conversation about pets ensued. It got to half six and things seemed to be winding down. People filtered out, it seems I'll be welcome at the Cornmill tomorrow though I still need a lift.

The second staff event was a leaving do for one of the teachers and was held at The Old Mill in Mirfield. At some point it changed its name from 'The Old Cornmill' though everyone still refers to it as that. The meal was really good, I was expecting pub lunch fare but everything was decidedly 'restaurant-quality'. Aromatic duck with plum sauce, look at me go. After the meal and some drinks, the plan had initially been to head into Leeds, but this was thrown into doubt after everyone considered just how much that would cost.

Eventually it was decided that we were going to go to the Thirsty Man in Mirfield. 'Seriously?' 'Yeah, it's actually really good on a Friday night.'

[...]

The Thirsty Man is the kind of place where you feel over-dressed if you're wearing a shirt.

The remaining contingent descended on the Thirsty Man. The pub was heaving. With nobheads. I started to feel distinctly out of place, I was sent to accompany ██████ to the cash machine for 'protection' (I remarked later, 'Yeah, I'm great for protection, Mr. Imposing!'

[...]

We eventually went to the dance floor. 'I'm NOT dancing.' I stood awkwardly with the girls whilst they shuffled around to various pop hits. The dancefloor seemed to attract lots of creepy middle-aged people or people who were trying too hard.

Gradually our party thinned as it became clear we had wandered into the cultural centre of Mirfield.

The remainders stayed until the DJ threw on 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' and it was clearing out time.

[...]

We eventually left the Thirsty Man, and I started to complain about going there in the first place.

The third and final 'end of year/leaving do' took place on the Wednesday of the last week of term. The venue was Samarkand (Sammy's) in Heckmondwike and was a civilised affair involving food and wine.

The do at the Samarkand was classy and civilised.

Staff do. The rain was absolutely heaving down before I left. A full-on thunderstorm. Thankfully, this had blown over by the time I'd set off.

Went to the cash machine, bumped into ████ ████ and ███ ██████ on the way in. Commented that 'it's like going to a rave' when the entrance to the restaurant was all covered up with plywood mid-rennovation.

The meal went really well, I brought a bottle of red wine from the kitchen. I was sat on the end of one of the tables with ████ ████, ███ ██████ and ███ █████.

I hadn't eaten very much before coming down so had more of an appetite than last time. I ordered the samosa starter which I only ate half of and then the chicken dansak again, which I ate more of this time. Joked and talked variously with ████████, █████ and ██████, 'Maybe you shouldn't risk the soup!' █████████'s soup was watery but was kept away from her dress this time. ███ █████ joked about overhearing █████ saying she 'hates me' in the maths lesson and said I must have the patience of a saint.

██ ████ had managed to make it to the do, as had ██ ██████. It must have been collective action, I joked that we all arrange what we're wearing before coming out. ██ ███████ at one point danced with ███ █████, much to her horror. There was a lot of criticism of the ███ █ throughout the night.

██ █ always brings wine that he gets cheap from France, tonight it was a 5 litre box of red which I joked repeatedly was 'Chateau de ███████', no point in letting a good joke go to waste eh?

Later on when people started filtering off, we moved onto one table and sat talking for an hour or so. The waiters came out to have their tea, we were brought out coffee and some of the mango drink for free which was nice. ███ was driving back and offered a lift to us all. Went back in the car with ███, ████, ██████, █████ and ██████.

So yeah, these things make ever less sense after I blank all the names out. If you get any of those jokes, ('Those were meant to be jokes?') then well done, I guess. The last nail in my coffin at the school was hammered home on the last day with a final assembly.

Final Assembly. Everyone assembled in the hall. ██ █ did his usual end of year conclusions, congratulating Year Six, before moving onto the staff who were leaving. I was sat mid-way up the hall, hoping that ██ ██████ would sort out the sound for me.

I was called up first, I actually got pretty nervous having all of the school stood in front of me like that, and I felt myself scanning randomly for somewhere to look. ██ █ presented me with a leaving gift (a bottle of wine in a shiny bag. Later, when ████ asked me what my present was, I just said 'a shiny bag!' much to the amusement of ███ ██████.) I was invited to make a speech and said even less than at the staff leaving do, 'I'd like to thank everyone for putting up with me for a year.'? It was quite rubbish.

Next up was ████ ████ who made a similarly short speech though one that was less abrupt, ██ █ muddled up which flowers she was supposed to be presented with. ██ ██████ and ███ █████ followed. After the assembly, stood around in 4█ idly whilst Toy Story played. A&A presented me with their present, some Celebrations and some cards, presumably ███ ██████ sorted all this out, I didn't get a chance to thank her. ███ ██████ had brought in bacon sandwiches which I forgot to pick up until after break or something.

Break. Had some tea.

[...]

The remainder of the last day was filled with beetle drives, watching DVDs and standing around. At home time I went around looking for various people to say goodbye to personally. That's not in an Arnie film sense, you understand.

So, a series of outings; one-sentence-speeches; bottles of wine; and mis-firing jokes brought the whole episode at the school to an end. It's just over a year since I started there, and in that time things have fallen into place in a most significant way.

Next up? A PGCE, wherein I find out what I've let myself in for.

Extar, over, out.

I think a lot of people are probably here for the free chicken.