»6th May 2008

Super Mega Triviadate!


I'm going to talk about a load of stuff and you're going to listen and we can all get along, capiche? This update is brought to you in part by The Loltard. Everyone say 'hi' and shake hands and we can get down to business.



Ah, I'm glad you asked. Well I think I'll just go ahead and tell you. Fear my unordered list.

Money - My locker is not entirely unlike the base-camp at the foot of Mount Everest. I use it as a kind of repositary for useful stuff that I might need in case of an emergency, so top of that list is money for buying important things (like bus tickets away from Leeds).

Deodrant - Being sweaty is totally uncool, it's not particularly brutal either, so it is to be avoided wherever possible. I like to keep things smelling nice and fresh with a can of deodrant, for if I find myself reeking of manliness whilst I'm out at uni. You might use dried fruit as an anti-perspirant, but you're weird aren't you?

M&Ms - If I need to do something particularly awesome, or if I've just done something particularly awesome, I like to consume M&Ms. I used to enjoy Smarties as well but since they went all fucking gay and got rid of the artificial colours and what not they don't taste as nice, they don't look as nice and the texture of them is all shot to hell. You can rely on M&Ms still being chock full of colour and shine AND tasting nice because they're made by Mars, who presumably aren't communists or whatever is going on at Nestle. Seriously, M&Ms are like eating shiny, brightly coloured pieces of freedom, I CHOOSE to eat them and I CHOOSE not to be fooled into thinking artificial colours are harmful in any way shape or form. Also, M&Ms are sort of like eating war, seeing as Mars is the god of war and all.

A small, blue, Ikea bag - Despite having never set foot in Ikea, I have plenty of stuff from there. For me, the most useful thing from Ikea is the small blue bags. Not only are these bags conveniently book-sized, but they are also incredibly strong. This makes them ideally suited to hauling about the tonnes of books which I need when I'm at uni. At full capacity, you can carry about enough books for two 3,000 word essays, which is about as much as I could ever need.

Lemon Lucozade - It's become part of my trip-back-from-Leeds routine to drink Lucozade and if I'm ever stuck in Leeds with no Lucozade and don't want to have to use the massively overpriced vending machines in uni, I can always draw upon my reserve of arguably the most punishing drink on the Lucozade range. Whilst I often choose Original flavour, for it's powerful, almost nuclear, taste; or sometimes go for the more exotic Wild Berry; when it comes down to it, if you're listening to some heavy metal whilst riding the eleven o' clock 209, you want to be drinking Lemon Lucozade. It's just great, not only does it taste of lemons--where more often you'd expect to see something resembling lemonade--but it comes in a bright yellow bottle, and there's something unquantifiably bold and explosive about that.

A very good question, indeed, this year the line-up at Download is frankly quite disappointing, and I can't see how it's going to change enough for me to want to go this year. Yes, I'm very sad about that too. Let's start by reviewing what bands are currently set to appear at Download 08...

Firstly I should explain my way of rating festivals. It's based on excitement stars. There are five levels of excitement that indicates how much I want to see a band and to what lengths I would go to see them. It's not a precise system but it's vaguely exponential, so one five star band is worth many more one star bands.

* One Excitement Star - This is a band which I might have a few MP3s of or maybe one album which I might like. I would go to see them at a festival I was already attending.

** Two Excitement Stars - A two star band is usually a band I like and have at least one album of. I may have already seen a two star band before and enjoyed them. A two star band could augment an existing good line up and make it better.

*** Three Excitement Stars - This is the big league now. A three star band will no doubt have several albums on my CD shelf and there's a good chance I might have seen them already. Three star bands are what makes me want to attend festivals or gigs.

**** Four Excitement Stars - This is a band which at some point I may have referred to as Totally Awesome. These are the sort of bands whose entire back catalogues I own and who I would consider attending a festival solely to see.

***** Five Excitement Stars - There are currently two five star bands, Nine Inch Nails and Metallica, with Slayer possibly being in this category as well (though I seen them twice in under twelve months last year so that reduced the urgency of seeing them at Download). Five star bands are the sort of act I would consider leaving the country to see (more on that later) and who I no doubt have a near exhaustive knowledge of. I was seriously considering going to Leedsfe Gayfest (and running the risk of anal rape at the hands of indie bands in the process) JUST to see Metallica.

Anyway, on with the dissemination of Download 08.

Kiss (**) - These would be okay. I'd give them two excitement stars.

(plus very special guests) Judas Priest (***) - I don't know what the hell 'very special guests' are when it's a festival but these guys should be headlining the main stage on one of the days on their own. Three excitement stars.

Motorhead (***) - These would be very good too. Again, they could be headlining, the second stage would be better for Motorhead. Three excitement stars.

The Offspring - Why are these headlining the main stage on saturday? Zero excitement stars.
Lost Prophets - Why are these headlining the main stage on sunday? Zero excitement stars.

In Flames (**)... Within Temptation (**)... Apocalyptica (*): Sunday, main stage - In Flames I've seen at Unholy Alliance and would be good to see again, two stars. Within Temptation I saw last year at Download in the second tent but they had sound problems so it would be good to see them do a bigger set on the main stage, two stars. Apocalyptica are totally not what I would call a main stage sunday act, it would be good to see them I suppose, one star.

Children of Bodom (**)... Municipal Waste (**): Sunday, second stage. I've seen Bodom at Unholy Alliance, they weren't bad, it'd be okay to see them again, two stars. Municipal Waste are one of the hot new thrash bands so it'd be good to see them, two stars.

Testament (**): Saturday, second stage? - These guys don't seem to have a stage yet and really should be on the second stage or even the main. Having them on the third stage (presumably there will be one) would be a fucking travesty. Two excitement stars.
Saxon (*): Saturday, second stage? - Again, these guys must just have been recently added like Testament. I wouldn't mind seeing these, one star.

That's all the bands I'd be interested and seeing, and Offspring and Lost Prophets barely get on the list just because they're headlining (WHY!!?!?). It doesn't take a genius to work out that this year is a) not very METAL and b) not half as good as last year. Let me list all the awesome bands from last year just to illustrate.

Megadeth ****
Slayer ****
Iron Maiden ***
Napalm Death ***
Paradise Lost **
Within Temptation **
Machine Head **
Marilyn Manson **
Dragonforce **
Dimmu Borgir **
Lamb of God **
Chimaira **
Mastodon **
Velvet Revolver *
Wolfmother *
Turisas ***
Motley Crue *
Dream Theater *

Apart from Dimmu and Dream Theater, I managed to see all those bands. Check how there were the same number of three stars as this year as well as two four stars, and look at all those twos... Download is supposed to be a METAL festival, even last year could have had more METAL but it was still fucking awesome. But this year?
To add further insult to injury, if you swing over to the Leedsfest Gayfest website you'll notice that to say it's now a shitty indie/wank festival it's actually almost as METAL as Download. Metallica would get five excitement stars which on their own would eclipse all of Download 08's headline acts and that's on top of Rage Against the Machine (*), Queens of the Stone Age (*), Slipknot (*), and Bullet for my Valentine (*). Everyone (Metal Hammer and me, anyway) was expecting Metallica to play Download this year seeing as they didn't do it last year so it seems were the Download organisers expecting this as well because they clearly don't have much to fill the hole with. Lost Prophets? Please.
Seriously Download 08, what the fuck are you playing at?



Extar, over, out.

TCP/IP, it's fucking me off. Other protocols doing little more. Definitely got worse. Now making me curse. Removing IPX. Will it ever work? Never!