»18th January 2005
Film Review: Desperation Highway
Well, after what I believe to be the roaring success of the New York Cop review, and seeing as I have nothing better to write about, I thought I'd review another B movie. This one is called 'Desperation Highway: Now The Journey Begins...'. Now, before I do anything else I feel it necessary to point out that that is the shittest subtitle I have ever seen for a film ever. The back of the DVD case describes this film as 'An emotionally charged thriller'. My pre-watching-the-DVD research on IMDB tells me that less than 5 people have given a score out of 10 for this film. With the blurb and this little IMDB fact in mind, I reckon this film is going to be shit. I also believe myself to be one of the few people in the human race who has watched this film. Anyway, more about the blurb. The story is something along the lines of 'Sheriff Randall' pursuing an 'unknown assailant' who tried to kill 'Jane Ellen' who is a 'young Goshen woman'. Enough paraphrasing, the rest of the blurb is about these two guys who I presume are somehow related to either Sheriff Randall, the 'unknown assailant' or Jane Ellen, 'cos I can't figure out their connection to the story from this blurb. The mysterious fourth paragraph of this blurb reads "This fast-paced story of twisted passion and despair exploits our fears and leaves us gasping". That needs a more detailed explanation I think.
"This fast-paced story [it happens really quick, which is okay by me as I don't want to watch 90 minutes plus of B movie shit again] of twisted passion and despair [a NIN album then] exploits our fears [in the same way as a terrorist does, I guess] and leaves us gasping [What? For air? This film suffocates you!?!?]"
Judging by the disc itself, this film might actually be BETTER THAN NEW YORK COP, I mean it has writing and a nice background on the disc, which suggests the people who made it gave a flying fuck about the film.
Well, without further ado I shall watch the film. This better be like Lost Highway or I'm going to get mad.
My God, that is the worst DVD menu I have ever seen.
The menu, in a word, 'shit'
Ooh thunder, decent(ish) music. Aon films? How the fuck do you pronounce that? Wow, this is tackier than I expected. Ooh a rainy highway, man this is so going to be like Lost Highway. Man, that guy looked like Fred. Man, a shitty flashback already. Who the fuck is this Tom guy?
Haha, Michael Mauro, I have never heard of him in my life. Man, that guy looks pissed, he seems to be having loads of flashbacks whilst drivng. Haha "you'd have been a great wrestler", this guy dropped out of high-school and gave up wrestling. This guy is like Rowdy Roddy Piper or something.
"Some stupid accident twelve years ago", methinks we're going to be hearing a bit more of that. Ah, the Sheriff has made an appearance. Told them not to go speeding in the South, seems this guy is off to L.A., man this is the biggest cliché ever. This violin music is pissing me off.
Well, this guy is still driving and its still raining. Yay, a looking up to the sky screaming shot already! This is so going to be Lost Highway, I am not going to be let-down by this film at all!
Tom and Jeff, you're meant to give a flying fuck about these guys.
Some old woman putting the trash out, that camera is shakey and pissing me off. The audio on this film is terrible, it sounds like the whole film was recorded on some guy's tape recorder whilst they made the rest of the film outside his garden shed. The sound is that bad. I'm tired of all this highschool reminiscing already.
Ah, the accident twelve years ago, looks like its some kid dying on a school trip. Ooh trippy flashing! Ah, this weirdo tried stabbing someone then fell off a cliff.
Hmmm, I'm tempted to scene skip already, its only 10 minutes into the film and I know if I skip scenes the thing will make even less sense and I'll hate it more. Grrr, guess I'll just have to stick it out.
That is the most pathetic car horn ever. I told you the sound was shit.
Hmmm, that music sounds like some dodgy midi DOS game music. Well, that was a weird scene, I think Janey got killed and then the old woman appeared. Well, the guys are driving to L.A. now, one of them probably killed Janey.
Haha, I have heard that cop sound effect so many places. It was even on Rave eJay! Man, the stock sound bank is coming out now. That exact cop sound effects were on the cop cars in GTA when you were driving them around.
Seems like the cops have found Janey. I wish they'd stop with that sound its like I'm playing GTA.
Two pointless scenes, the bar and AJ's house.
Aha! Looks like Sheriff Randall has a plan! Yep, he definitely has a plan! Shitty rock music with a terrible slap bass has come on! What? Who the fuck is she? Why did she just beep those guys? 'Cos one of the guys was asleep? How stupid is this? Yeah, she thinks she's really cool with her shit rock music. Sheriff Randall is checking out the murder scene. Oh that was clever Mr. Murderer, you wrote your motive all over the fucking high school year book in the woman's blood. Sheriff Randall is gonna' kick yo' ass!
Its some other guy talking about beating up a cop. What the hell is this guy? Who are all his friends? Oh he's talking about his fourth amendment rights, when that guy came on his land, well he kicked his ass right into next week. Haha, the redneck hick guy who beats up cops is slagging off the Postal Service, wow he's real original. Looks like all this guy's friends were a load of asses in school, and look where it's got them! Some plaid shirts, cheap lager and a redneck girlfriend. Haha, Redneck Hick is showing his friends his gun.
"I saw the way you were looking at my wife! No one comes into my house and disrespects me! No one!"
Hoho, R.H. was just fooling around. It's a fake gun says his wife (not his girlfriend it turns out).
"You son-of-a-bitch!"
Well, RH's friend thought he'd grope RH after he was messing about saying he'd kill him.
AJ (the Redneck Hick) is checking out that noise outside with his REAL gun now. This AJ guy is going down, it's blatantly obvious some psycho is waiting in the barn for him.
Come on AJ, hurry up! Your friends are probably screwing around with your wife inside whilst you're fucking around in the barn! I wish AJ would hurry up and get whatever's coming to him, I'm tired of seeing him walking around in the barn huffing and puffing as it becomes more and more obvious some guy is going to kick his ass.
This AJ is really jumpy, his wife looks a bit weird too. AJ's wife seen something and AJ looked a bit surprised, what the hell is going on?
Sheriff Randall. Wouldn't you be depressed if you were as on the periphery of a story as this guy is?
Sheriff Randall is back, in the hospital this time. Looks like that murderer didn't kill whoever it was in the last scene, idiot.
Well, AJ found some tyre marks on his farm, this roused his suspicion.
"I'm gonna' kill the son-of-a-bitch that did this!" Did what?! Tell us AJ!
This film is almost bang on 90 minutes long, we're half an hour in and fuck all has happened.
Ah, the woman who was driving in the car with the shit rock music is back and she's in some Greasy Spoon ordering a BLT. I didn't know they had BLTs in America. Well Tom (I don't know who the fuck he is either) tried to hit on the woman, now she's back and talking to Tom and Jeff (these were the guys who were heading off to L.A.). Well they're having a nice chat. Well, it's pretty clear that this Jeff guy is the shitty would-be murderer. Turns out this woman is Elise, and she wants a coffee, greedy bitch. A BLT and a Coffee?! She's off to San Diego. Aha! "Then our journey begins!" so it wasn't just a pointless subtitle... Well, not quite.
Shitty rock music is back and Tom is trying to out-drive Elise. Tom is a real asshole. I'm agreeing with Jeff that "this is stupid". Ah, looks like Elise avoided the oncoming truck and made a real example of Tom, the ass.
Sheriff Randall is back, and in no hurry to sort out this crime. Tom's mum and dad are here talking to Sheriff Randall. Talking about the accident twelve years ago...
"I don't know what the connection is. Hell, I don't know if there even is a connection." - Sheriff Randall on the accident twelve years ago and the murder. Me, on the scenes in this movie.
Jeff thinks Elise is hot and is pissed that Tom does too. These two are a pair of assholes. Tom doesn't even think Elise is hot as far as I can tell from what he said, but he was arguing with Jeff about it anyway.
I fucking wish this movie would go somewhere or I might just exercise my right to skip a few scenes. Maybe watching the scenes in a random order might help the continuity a bit. Tom is awake and looking all melancholy, maybe he is the shit would-be murderer! This is so tense! So exciting! I'm being bored to death! So, Tom is walking around another dimly-lit set, and that fucking violin player is back. Well, Elise certainly likes Tom, say hello to another cheesy sex scene. NOOO! MORE SHITTY ROCK MUSIC! NEEDLESS FLASHING LIGHTS FROM SUDDENLY BUSY TRAFFIC!!!
Elise and the surplus-to-requirements Sheriff Randall
Well Elise didn't help Tom, he's now sat in bed with Elise still looking all melancholy. Elise tried to commit suicide? Tom was just wondering? Wondering what? There's a fucking difference between ambiguity and mystery. The script writer doesn't seem to understand the difference. Elise is talking shit and Tom "doesn't understand". Elise was in therapy (Yawn). Haha, she just remembered that her father 'molestered and raped her as a child'. I'm feeling so connected with this character. Maybe she just imagined all that, maybe she was just trying to sue her dad into the ground! Well, this is some real armchair psychology here. I'm pretty sure I've heard this paragraph about Elise thinking 'it was her fault, that she enticed her father' on some Panorama or something. Stop talking Elise, Tom isn't listening.
"I can't believe I just told you this"
Neither can we, Elise.
Woah! Why the hell has the left channel sound disappeared!? Why is this film pumping shitty rock music into my right ear!?!?
Looks like Jeff's in the car on his own now, poor Jeff. Tom is driving with Elise, the bastard! WHAT ABOUT POOR JEFF!?!?
"Let's sit down" (in a secluded field). Man, I can't stand another crappy sex scene.
"Have you ever seen the film 'The Outsiders'?"
Stop name-dropping films people have actually watched Tom!
Tom's talking about his wrestling again. Talking about 'townies' back in Goshen. I presume he's talking about kids in Adidas Poppers, Reebok Classics and fake Burbury. Haha, Jeff is a real bundle of laughs! Breaking up the shitty romantic moment with-
"Hey you guys better get out this field before someone mistakes you for trespassers and shoots your ass!"
Jeff you comedian, you!
Ah, Elise's incestuous father taught her how to use the gun she has lying around in her car. Now, Elise is cocking back on Tom. Not another 'oh I'm threatening to shoot you scene'! Haha, the shittest echoey gun sound ever as Elise tried to shoot herself and Tom stopped her.
Elise and Tom are at it again and Jeff is left watching T.V. on his own. Woah Elise knows Tom's parent's names, so maybe she's the murderer!? Maybe I'll start caring before this movie ends. Jeff is mumbling to himself again. Just Metallica - Kill 'Em All Jeff, they fucking deserve it!
This scene was shown twice for no obvious reason, which is good as it made me think of Lost Highway which helped me forget what a terrible film I was watching
Haha, now Elise is trying to get into Jeff's pants as well. This movie just keeps getting more and more clichéd!
Well, Sheriff Randall is back, reading the paper and no closer to getting anywhere near a central point in the plot. Wow, the psycho old woman is back moaning about kids knocking her garbage over. I feel sorry for Sheriff Randall, not only is he superfluous to the plot but he has to put up with psycho women that don't have any useful information on the crime which isn't particularly important within the meandering and pointless plot.
Nooo!!! More shitty rock music! Why can't Elise just get killed so we don't have to listen to her music anymore! Jeff has noticed that Elise is 'a little weird'. Jeff reckons you can tell she's weird by 'the eyebrows'. One of Jeff's friends had a girlfriend who had 'the eyebrows' and she was 'fucking crazy, man'. Jeff is pissed that Tom is bringing psycho-Elise along with him to L.A., can't say I blame him.
Jeff is insistent to Elise that he isn't 'Tom's Sidekick' as Elise so eloquently put it. Jeff doesn't 'need to relax'! Hoho, Jeff plays guitar, he's got some 'good licks', turns out Elise knows someone in a 'grunge band', man, this is so god-damned 90s. Oops, Elise is letting her big mouth fly about how Tom thinks Jeff is a pile of shit. Jeff is planning on getting into the music industry and getting into a band. Well, we got a smile from Jeff, looks like he enjoys talking about his plans with his guitar.
An hour into the film and STILL nothing much has happened. When the hell is Sheriff Randall gonna' get off his ass and sort out this crime?
"But they don't have a fucking clue that I don't have a fucking clue." - Tom sees the world in a greater clarity than the rest of us.
Turns out Tom wasted his time at college, for six years, lazy ass can't get a job. Tom and Jeff just exchanged 'fuck you's and now Elise thinks they've had too much to drink. When will these scenes start stringing into something that can end in 90 minutes!?!?
Tom's parents are worried about him. Moreso after his drunken call which Elise kept fucking up. Tom's dad is understandably puzzled about 'who the hell Elise is'.
Ooh, Elise sent Tom looking for her cigarettes in the bar but it turns out their in her car and she wants Jeff to walk her to her car. Now I'm no schmuck, it's pretty clear that Jeff is going to get some action and might finally 'lighten up'. Jeff is doing a good job at playing hard-to-get.
"I need you to kiss me. I need you to kiss me now." - Elise, a real romantic.
Yep, Tom is going to be pissed when he catches these two. THE FUCKING VIOLIN MUSIC IS BACK! Looks like Elise has shot Jeff.
Yeah, Tom better not buy Elise's shit 'he was trying to rape me so I shot him story'.
Finally, Sheriff Randall looks like he might make it to the outskirts of the plot! Now he's figured out that Elise is somehow related to the murder he should track her down if he's not a completely shit character. Aha, the rainy driving is back from the beggining of the movie, it's Tom driving. Quite why that scene was at the beggining of the movie still isn't clear but at least we get more cool rainy highway shots. Tom's looking pretty pissed, it's clear why. His psycho girlfriend killed his prophetic friend. Ooh weird screaming to the sky scene is back and we have a sweeping flanger on it now! This is so shit. I mean he never seemed to like Jeff that much anyway.
If they hadn't put this in twice, the film would have been over quicker.
The shitty violin music has been replaced by shitty piano music now. Tom is looking a bit sleepy. A bit like I am. There's 15 minutes left and Sheriff Randall is running out of time to appear to be any use whatsoever.
Aha, I think Randall is in L.A., and he's found out Jeff is dead. Randall doesn't need LAPD's back-up! He's got his gun! He's Sheriff Randall! He doesn't need no fucking back-up!
Tom is sneaking around looking in Elise's scrapbook which ties her in with that fucking accident twelve years ago.
Ten minutes left. Elise wants to get married (it's pretty clear she's gone completely crazy now). With any luck Sheriff Randall will redeem himself and start kicking ass in these last few minutes. They could cram in a decent 8 minute shoot-out now if they skip this fucking character development.
Yep, Elise has flipped out, no shootout in sight. Looks like she's been obsessing about Jeff and Tom since highschool.
Woo! Randall is here and ready to kick ass! Elise is about to shoot Tom! "You took everything away from me", well she only took Jeff, Tom, and you never really liked him anyway.
Haha, that was so shit. Randall was just hiding outside in the bushes and pop, pop, Elise is dead. I don't know why Tom is so bothered, she had weird eyebrows anyway.
Right, so Tom is crying over Elise's dead body, and Sheriff Randall is nowhere to be fucking seen. Making him the most superfluous movie character ever. The GTA police ambience is back and Tom is looking all melancholy again. Looks like Janey has woken up and Tom can come and tell her he was fucking the woman who shot Jeff. Randall popped up for about 4 seconds to introduce Tom to Janey.
NO! NO! NO! Stupid violin music is back! Well the end shot of the film was of the newspaper cutting of the 'accident twelve years ago'. Man, that was shit. The credits music is suitably shit, annoying accoustic guitar melancholy shit. Well, at least it reminds me off the music off Diablo 1 in Tristram, which was cool. Argh! I'm turning it off before the fucking violins shatter my teeth! They must have only had like 30 seconds of these fucking 4 violin chords and these piano arpeggios which they had to loop over and over in the film. I bet the whole music budget went on that shitty violin music as it was pretty clear they didn't pay the people who made the shitty rock music Elise always listened to.
Right, that movie was pants. The majority of the film was Tom, Jeff and Elise fucking about in the middle of nowhere, occasionally Sheriff Randall would pop up and try desperately to work his way into an important role within the story. The DVD menu was shit. The back of the box cites the presence of a menu, scene selection and region free as 'special features'. What a waste of fucking time. This film was disappointingly unlike Lost Highway. The title 'Desperation Highway' is quite descriptive however. Desperation - you will feel this as you watch 90 minutes of your life slip away whilst watching this shitty movie, also, the superfluous and peripheral character of Sheriff Randall was quite desperate throughout the film to be of any use whatsoever. Highway - the majority of the film was spent watching Jeff, Tom and Elise driving around on a highway, which was pointless and dull.
I can't really recomend you watch this film, it's really bad. So I'm going to give it 1 star out of 5. The one star was awarded for a few reasons:
- The film ended.
- The film was mercifully short at just under 90 minutes. I wouldn't have wanted three hours of that shit.
- The screaming to the sky shots and occasional rainy highway shots reminded me of Lost Highway which is a GOOD FILM.Thinking of good films whilst watching this helps take your mind off how shit it is.
- The film was a 15, which serves to prevent young minds been warped by the poor quality of this movie.
The highway, monotonous and long, like this film. If you are going to watch this film (please reconsider, PLEASE!) then get used to this, it's about all that happens for the first hour or so.
Bad things have a habit of getting worse, and this film is no exception. Upon thinking 'I just need to get a few screenshots from this film', I chanced upon the scene selection menu which can only be described as 'fucking lazy'. A 90 minute film with only four scenes? Three of which fall in the first hour of the film which I like to refer as 'the shit part where nothing happens'? IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE!?!? NO! IT'S NOT A FUCKING JOKE! It's an example of how shit 'Desperation Highway: Now the Journey Begins...' is. I'm looking at the (I say 'the', I can't be sure of my mind that there was only one, this film may be useful as a way to Dr. Dre feat. Eminem - Forgot About Dre (seriously, the only thing which gives me the will to type about this shit film is the fact I can work song titles into the text if I want to)) bar scene again and have just noticed that there's a whole 4 minutes of no dialogue where the camera pointlessly pans around this fucking bar whilst this horrible country music plays. I'm sorry about that last sentence, those brackets were quite cumbersome, this film really fucks up your train of thought and makes stringing together straightforward sentences even harder than History books do.
In conclusion, don't watch this movie. If you see it in the bargain DVD bin at Morrisons, inform a member of staff immediately and they will call the police who will be able to dispose of something so shit safely.
Extar, lover, rout.
TCP/IP, it's fucking me off. Other protocols doing little more. Definitely got worse. Now making me curse. Removing IPX. Will it ever work? Never!