»14th January 2005

Film Review: New York Cop

New York Cop is the title of a rather mediocre B-movie which I purchased the other day for the sum of £2. Not expecting much the film didn't surprise me either. It was indeed a fairly standard B-movie, though better than it's low price and presence in the Morrison's DVD bargain/shit bin would suggest.
I wrote a sort of running commentary on the film as I watched it which I have typed up for you here and added editor's notes in brackets here and there.


The menu and title screens

'New York Cop'

Hollywood DVD? Who the fuck is that? [Some dodgy film company who probably gone out of business]
Mmmm extensive menu features. This pen is painful to use [the pen was blatantly not designed with hands in mind]

Okay welcome to The Cube Film Review! Afraid of making the committment and shelling out £2 for 'New York Cop'? Never fear! I will guide you through it.

Menu: This looks like the title screen on House of the Dead or Streets of Rage 2 morelike, some skyline and a load of bullet holes - TRENDY!

Special Features: Despite claiming to have a 'trailer and scene selection' on the back of the box, I couldn't find the trailer anywhere.

Well, nothing better to do, let's play!

'Overseas film group' logo - What the fuck.

Haha 'Hey, Mr. C, Where are you?'
Ooh gruesome effects, corny acting [the guy couldn't limp very well]. I've seen people shit better limps than that.

NEW YORK COP!

Who the fuck is Mira Sorvino?
A trip to IMDB is fucking necessary for this.

Hmmm a subway - a laughable motherfuckin' black guy with a red suit and a ghetto blaster, this is hilarious.
Pointless scene.
It's night-time.
Ooh B. Boy and his tape is back. [the guy was playing this terrible attempt at hip-hop, think Shen Mue attempts at hip-hop bad.]

B. Boy smashed his stereo.


The hilarious black guy

'You motherfuckin' bastard, you shot me!' [he deserved it for those fashion crimes]

Man, this japanese cop guy is wooden.

Blue - original colour for an undercover cop [For some reason, blue seemed a good password for undercover cops]

Haha, Jap Cop has a jamaican cop friend, mon. [he wasn't a great actor or jamaican accent]

Funky ass music I feel like I'm playing Theme Hospital.

Told to wait near the Z sign conveniently labelled 'cop'.[bear in mind he's meant to be undercover]

"Brue is a beautiful colour"[he wasn't very good at thinking up ways to work blue into the conversation with the guy he was meant to meet]

"Get with the fucking programme before someone rams you up your ass!"[The undercover hobo explaining the situation]

Toshi (Jap Cop) stil hasn't changed into Hobo clothes.

Toshi has some pretty fly kung fu skillz.


Toshi with his gun and his bike

Why is a limo trying to run him over?

Being pursued by constantly gibbering Puerto Ricans.

Right, I presume this helpful woman in car is Maria [the back of the box mentioned her]. Man, Toshi's engrish is shit.

Maria appears to be an artist who also collects rusty pipes.

Well Maria sleeps with a shotgun, tough luck Toshi.

Oh I recognise Mira Sorvino[it's Maria]

[Toshi spends the night at Maria's house and wakes up to find her brother isn't pleased that she let a hobo stay the night, Toshi asks if he can join his gang, he strangely accepts the offer.]

Well he's [Toshi's]off with his new hood friends in their pimp car.

Go Toshi, nail those bikers!


The biker wasn't impressed when Toshi barged in on him and his friend

Yeah, beardy biker boss is on his way down.[Toshi really kicks his ass]

Well that was easy, now Toshi's in the gang.

Well Toshi and the boss guy are nice and cosy now.

He's still dressed like a history teacher on Timeteam.

Rising Sun - Man, Toshi has an original name.

Undercover Jamaican Cop got his ass kicked by Toshi. [to make it look to the gang-members following him he wasn't an undercover cop]

Ooh it's the feds!


One of the numerous actions scenes and a shot just making sure you know it's set in New York

Some Italian guys making a deal.
Man that music is corny.

I think this Chinese guy was an extra on Big Trouble in Little China.

Ooh flashing lights.

Bored of this, think I'll just watch the film.

Yeah Toshi's got Maria in the bag...
Toshi pretends he's interested in Marias deal with the Art "Garrely".


Mira Sorvino, someone you might actually recognise in the film, and not bad looking either

Toshi, he's a lover & a killer.
There's even the rubbishy sex scene music with overemotional singer and piano.

Gibbering Puerto Rican guy doesn't trust Toshi.


Giberring Puerto Rican guy and the Pimp Car about to be trashed

That's the end of my action packed notes on the film, basically Toshi ended up killing everyone after the Puerto Rican guy killed the boss guy (Maria's brother) who Toshi was starting to get along with. For a gang leader he was a pretty nice guy.
All in all the film was rather second-rate, which was what I expected. It was quite fun watching Toshi running around kicking ass. The black guy at the beggining was hilarious and Mira Sorvino is always nice to watch. One feature of the scene selection 'special feature' is that you can skip straight between the good scenes (The black guy, Toshi kicking ass and the Mira Sorvino sex scene(annoyingly dimly lit)), but that's just cheating. I'm going to give it 3 out of 5, it'd be much funnier if you were watching it with company whilst getting drunk, perhaps something to consider if you can't find your copy of BTILC (if you can't figure out what that stands for you fucking suck). The acting was pretty wooden on the whole but the action scenes were passable and at least funny if they weren't pretty cool. The fact Toshi actually gets to use the massive gun he's carrying on the front of the DVD box was cool too(the disc itself is strangely without graphics or even any text with the title or anything, increasing the this-is-a-pirate-film appeal), Toshi also spends a lot of time riding around on a bike, which is cool. Most of the dialogue is punctuated by swear-words which was quite funny at times, the constantly gibbering Puerto Rican chase scene was hilarious.
Points for improvement, the hilarious black guy should have been a main character and Mira Sorvino should have spent more time naked.
So, 3 out of 5, watch whilst getting drunk.

Extar, over, out.

TCP/IP, it's fucking me off. Other protocols doing little more. Definitely got worse. Now making me curse. Removing IPX. Will it ever work? Never!